A letter of recommendation for Josh Towers

To whom it may concern, and more specifically, to the front office personnel of desperate hopeless contending MLB franchises:

On behalf of the Tao of Stieb, and all Blue Jays fans, we wish to submit this letter of recommendation for right-handed starting pitcher Josh Towers. We understand that there has recently been some interest in acquiring Mr. Towers' services, and we would like to offer an unconditionally favourable letter of reference on his behalf.

We firmly believe that Mr. Towers would be an asset to your team, and we would like to take this opportunity to emphasize all of the positive aspects of his game, and to demonstrate what a positive impact he has had on the Blue Jays franchise.

Firstly, let us note that when we refer to Mr. Towers as a “Gas Can”, we mean to say that he is able to ignite the performance of a team. We believe this explosive nature is exactly the sort of thing that could help propel a team into the playoffs.

Also, we would like to emphasize that when we have noted that the manager should “just bring a tee out to the plate” instead of allowing Mr. Towers to pitch, we did so in the spirit of fair play to the teams we were facing. We’re good like that.

And allow us to clarify that when we proclaimed that “when Towers came in to pitch, (we) started flipping over to a documentary on Marlon Brando on Turner Movie Classics”, we were really trying to demonstrate how comfortable all Jays fans feel when Josh takes the mound.

We would be remiss if we didn’t also make clear that when we referred to Mr. Towers throwing “lollipop pitches”, we meant to say that they were delightfully sweet and satisfying, and that who couldn't enjoy that sort of pitching?

Finally, let us underline the fact that if you are a team that does not currently have enough pitchers with an ERA a shade under 5.00, and if you are a team that may require the services of a pitcher who kept opponents to a paltry .298 batting average against, then Josh Towers may just be the final piece you need to thrust yourself into postseason glory.

Sincerely,

The Tao of Stieb

PS – Please note that we would be very flexible in what we receive in return for Mr. Towers. However, we’re quite fond of pulled pork sandwiches. If you have some to spare, or know of a good recipe, please feel free to send it our way. We believe this would represent a fair exchange.