Don't hurry back Scrappy Doo

Take your time. Your grittiness is not needed at the moment. Not when Marco Scutaro is driving in four two-out RsBI in a 7-1 win over the Royals.

We'll confess that we were only able to smuggle highlight footage into the battlefield, but as long as that footage features lots of Blue Jays runs, we feel confident in stating one thing about the team's performance:

PLAYOFFS!!!!

Also, Aaron Hill is so defensively awesome that it makes us completely forget that other second baseman that the Jays used to have that was good with the glove.

Ernie Whitt for General Manager!

Getting this out of the way first: hooray, a win. Lyle Overbay rocks, just like we knew he would.

But the real fireworks tonight were on the post-game show, and we can only hope that Wilner gets the thing posted soon so that you can hear the lunacy for yourself.

One particularly well-informed caller complained about J.P.'s lack of GM skills, then suggested that Ernie Whitt should be named the General Manager (not Manager, mind you, but GM!) We get the fact that sometimes, these alleged Jays fans are looking for any port in a storm to sort out what ails the team, but this has to rank up there with the all-time nuttiest ideas ever. (Not just on JaysTalk...we're talking in the history of the world.)

Wilner was so flabbergasted, he actually thought out loud "I don't know how much longer this being nice to the callers thing can last." (That might not be it word for word, but it is pretty much what he meant.)

The audio should be up in the familiar Rogers Radio digital confines later tonight, so go have a listen, and check out the subsequent pro-Ernie calls.

In a season that has been decidedly "meh", the JaysTalk callers never disappoint with their abilities to provide highly entertaining nonsensical pontifications.

Speaking of "meh"
A.J.'s mohawk? Lame. It's like he went to get a hair cut, but the strip through the middle opted out.

(In our head, that was way funnier).

Radio silence?
We're off on a secret mission for a week or so, but will be checking in as time permits.
We're traversing time zones, so cut us a little slack if we're not necessarily on top of the latest news and notes.

Don't you forget about we.

At least they lead the league in something

After hitting into three more tonight, your Toronto Blue Jays have pulled away from the competition and now solidly lead the league in grounding into double plays with a magnificent 58. Oh, and they probably lead the league in hitting into triple plays as well.

A note of caution about this stat: Yeah, it's as frustrating as all get out when you see the Jays snuff out another rally in this manner, but at the same time, the mighty BoSox and their unstoppable offense rank second in this category, so we're not even sure if it means anything.

A few other random thoughts:

You can't pitch around Vlad
Didja see the pitch that he hit for the three-run bomb in the third? Yeah, sure, we got to see him hit those on the occasional Expos game that was briadcast back in the day, but it's still pretty stunning to see him go that far inside and hit it like it was a fastball grooved down the middle of the plate.

When is an RBI not a cause for celebration?
When you see Alex Rios drive in a run (finally), but he looks very much like he did in his rookie year, when he was pretty much a soft singles hitter. And of course, when he does put a ride into a ball tonight, he gets robbed by Sarge Junior. Somedays, we hate this stupid game.

JaysTalk listeners: LISTEN UP TO THIS, IDIOTS
For the last goddamn time...this is Major League MickeyFicking Baseball. This isn't your glory days on the crushed gravel Little League diamonds of Buttfuck, Wherever. This is the Big Leagues, so STOP TALKING ABOUT BUNTING! We get that you're a frickin' Mosquito League coach who teaches fundamentals to all of the ADD cases that get pawned off on you, and we're sure that you're the Sparky Anderson or Casey Stengel of Barrie or North Bay or whatever. But laying down a bunt and hoping that the fielders working their way through their awkward phase throw it over the chain link back stop and into the swamp behind doesn't work at this level.

Seriously. Stop extrapolating your experience in adolescent scrub leagues onto the players who are infinitely more capable than you or your inbred demon spawn.

Much obliged.

Mike Piazza is no longer an option

Mike Piazza, who is definitely not gay, is no longer an option for us (or Mike Wilner) to idly speculate on as an answer to the team's occasional offensive woes.

The former All-Star catcher, who nearly perfected the art of the unironic porn 'stache and served as the target for Roger Clemens' bat-tossing exploits, announced his retirement today. He's planning on staying home with his somewhat hot wife (former Playmate Alicia Rickter, who looks a little torn down these days) and the children that he absolutely sired himself with the fruit of his own loins, because he is definitely not gay. No gay stuff for Mikey. Totally straight.

The Interleague Intern checks in

As noted previously, we took a brave step forward in engaging an intern to write us a summary of his experiences at this weekend's Jays-Phillies series.

As with any intern, the enthusiasm for the task was definitely there, even if the work itself needed a little tidying up.

The Interleague Intern shall remain nameless, if only because we know that having your name tied to certain debaucherous activities can be met with a certain amount of scorn in the corporate offices of, oh, let's say a big insurance company.

Here are the (mostly) unexpunged thoughts from the intern's adventures in the city of Brotherly (and apparently Sisterly) Love:

Got into Philadelphia about 3 O'clock on Friday afternoon and had to make to required 1st stop at Jim's Steaks in south Philly, forget Pat's and Geno's (the places you always see on TV) they pale in comparison to what Jim's has to offer. After increasing my risk of heart disease, my friends and I proceeded to check into our hotel about 10 miles outside downtown Philly. Staying outside of Philly sucks, but since it was graduation weekend for seemingly all of Philadelphia's Universities (they have more colleges than A.J. Burnett has stints on the DL) I had no choice but to stay farther away than I'd like and taxi it around due to my constant drunken state.

Went to a titty bar in East Philly which was a $20 cover, but being able to bring your own beer makes it all the worth while. (The EDITORS ASK: Is this a common practice in the States? How do they call themselves a bar if they don't sell booze?) Was able to stay anonymous as a Jays fan which was fine by me since we got our asses handed to us by Jayson Werth. Not sure if what went on was legal in this bar, but I must say, the 11:30 "Lesbian Show" was completely fucking insane. I figured perhaps some girls grinding on each other and some light spanking, but I was pleasantly shocked by what I saw. 4 girls took the stage and paired off into two's, two of them proceeded (EDITORS NOTE: Yikes! Various unnatural acts censored, for the sake of the children!) while making out. I could not believe it, but it sure was as satisfying as back to back world series wins. No Blue Jays fans seen this night, even in the tourist areas later that evening. We headed back to our hotel about 3 a.m. and drank some more knowing the Saturday game wasn't until 7 at night.

Day 2. Arrive about 5 at Citizens Bank Park, which is a nice field, but too far from downtown to walk. My friends and I go to our seats in left center field by the bullpens and watch batting practice. So after watching the Phillies hit, the Jays start their thing and based on their BP you figure they can actually hit in games, as we all know this isn't the case. I managed to catch a BP HR from Matt Stairs. Rios sure can mash when there's no pressure and no velocity, I hope he can start killing the ball again in live games and even little David Eckstein managed to park a BP homer. I think after he did that, he ran down to the clubhouse to call his mom and ask how proud she is of him. Anyways, to the game itself - Scott Rolen was heavily booed for some reason (Philly fans are completely oblivious to the fact that the Phils traded him) and he ripped a double down the line. A base running blunder (first of many) ended the inning. In the 2nd, bases loaded with Barajas up (more booing from the retarded Phillies fans - he had his option declined by Philly after last year) I was just praying for a clutch hit which we don't get very often, but was shocked as hell when the ball went over the fence. I went nuts and got shit thrown on me for doing so. After that the game got pretty dull for a while, AJ surprisingly never had the horrendous inning I expect from him each start. The Phillies inched to within 1 going into the ninth but after Barajas came through again, and a key error by that fat ass Howard we had a nice cushion for B.J. and the game was sealed. Player of the game obviously Barajas and Goat of the game was obviously Howard (0-4 3K and an Error) I find it amazing how the Philly fans can cheer Howard and his .185 batting average, but boo Santa Claus. Anyways finally while leaving the stadium I got some verbal abuse from some drunk idiots one guy actually asked to fight in the parking lot, but I just reminded him of 1993 and kept walking. It's amazing that every time a cordial Phillies fan asked where I'm from they always phrased it "Are you actually from Canada?" (I'm not, but am not surprised that one assumes that all Jays fans are Canadian) When I state that I'm from Virginia, they remind me that apparently I'm a bad U.S. citizen for rooting for the Jays and proceed to be an asshole after asking nicely. Saturday night was pretty calm compared to Friday, got hammered and went to bed.

Day 3. RAIN - and lots of it. Kinda spoiled the Phanatic's birthday. Marcum had 3K's in the first, but unfortunately a 2 run HR by fat ass Howard put Philly up. After a boring ass 2 hour rain delay only exciting part was watching the Pens/Flyers on the big screen and seeing more Philadelphia misery, the game resumed. For the second day in a row, a shocking big HR got us going (if only we could get back 2006 Overbay while Wells is hurt). More rain and another shocking big hit from Shannon Stewart. A fantastic relief performance by Doc, an unsteady 9th from B.J.and it was 2 wins in 2 day for me to witness. It was back to the lot and 6 hours of driving for me to go back home but of course some more venom from the Philly faithful who were extra pissed due to the constant reminder of the Flyers score throughout the game, but I didn't care I'll always have 1993 and they got nothing on us,and once again we took the series just like we did back in the day. I left the city with visions of Cheese steaks, vagina, alcohol, and obnoxious Philly fans, but still the only thing I could hear was "Touch them all, Joe. You'll never hit a bigger home run in your life"

Overall, Jays fans were few and far between, maybe saw 30 of them over the two days perhaps that's why the Philly fans weren't too bad, I've seen the way they treat Mets fans, but since we hardly ever play each other and they have nothing on us I didn't get too much shit. Hopefully I'll see more Jays fans when I travel to Yankee stadium at the end of August.

It's a good thing we own Philly, but then again who doesn't (over 10,000 losses and counting, 1 world series in 125 years, and oddly enough, they were officially the Philadelphia Blue Jays from 1944 to 1945)

High Five! We're back to .500!

We hope all you junior hockey fans are happy that we ended up missing a great game yesterday.

Overbay homers? Doc makes his first relief appearance since 2001? Jays win 6-5 and return to .500? Who'd want to watch that?

(And while we're on the topic: any chance that people could dial back the "the veterans of Canada's wars fought for our freedom, therefore we will have a hockey tournament in their honour" jive? Because, really, it is a hockey tournament sponsored by a credit card company, not a quiet moment at the cenotaph.)

It is probably too early to think in these terms, but the Blue Jays are four games behind Boston in the AL East, and three games behind Tampa for the Wild Card. So all is not lost.

Bizzarro stat of the year so far
The Blue Jays are 13-22 in night games, but they are 10-1 in day games. If you can figure that one out for us, by all means let us know why.

You can't keep Hector Luna down

We were reasonably sure that we'd never write these words again, but Hector Luna has been called up to the Jays from Syracuse for the weekend's series. So the Jorge Velandia Era may be over almost as quickly as it started.

Luna takes the place of Friday's emergency starter David Purcey, who is anxiously awaiting the opportunity to return to AAA where he can get the fuck away from Jayson Werth and pitch to minor league calibre hitters again. God speed.

(And incidentally, the fact that Jesse Litsch had to come mop up after Purcey kinda defeats the purpose of having brought him up in the first place...but we're sure it will all be fine in the end. Right?)

Scrappy Doo Eckstein will come off the DL and be back with the team on Thursday, so Luna's stay will be brief.

How Greene is my middle infield?
Speaking of infielders, we've been letting Jeff Blair's notion of Khalil Greene coming to the Jays stew in our noggin for a few days now, and we're now convinced that this would be the Single Greatest Player Personnel Move in the History of the Blue Jays. (Okay, that might be hyperbole, but we like to get the strongest opinion possible out there first, if only to stake out the territory for ourselves.)

Don't be deceived by the appearances. Sure, Greene pretty much sucks ass this year. We're not even clear how it is possible to have a sub .600 OPS, but he's managed to pull it off. Nevertheless, he managed 27 homers and 97 RsBI last year, playing half of his games in the cavernous neverland that is PetCo Park. Even if for the season Greene regresses back to his mean (15 homers in each of his last three years), he'll still be a far more productive hitter than Scrappy Doo. Moreover, he is a better defender than Eckstein, and he tends to heat up in July and August.

If the Pads are looking to hold a yard sale, then we sincerely hope that J.P. will be like our crazy aunt: get there at the crack of dawn carrying only a change purse and the negotiating skills of a third-world dictator.

The Tao's Interleague Intern in Philly
Having received many generous offers from readers this week willing to act as interns after our plaintive call for help, we took up one particular reader on his offer to send us missives from his road trip to Philly this weekend. The first reports back from the field were filed at about 4 am, and speak to the level of depraved individual to which our blog proudly appeals:

"went to a titty bar, byob, and full nude, saw not a single jays fan, but it was cold and rainy and we got our asses kicked. didn't wear my jays gear, because not sure if the titty bar would allow hats and jerseys.....

pussy good here, philies fans not so much. Got my 93 hat to show off and a modern hat too. fuck them mother fuckers, 1993 was a glorious year. JOE CARTER

will report later when I actually go to a game tomorrow........"

Go forth and do us proud, young taoist.

A new theme for 2008 - Sweep or be swept

The old theme for this year was "If the Jays..." (with all due deference to the blog of that name).

Now that we know that the answer to the majority of the "if the Jays" questions is a resounding "oh no they won't", it's time to move on.

It's the next episode: Jays '08 - Sweep or Be Swept.

Scott Rolen remains the Greatest Jay of All Time
Not only does he go 2 for 5 with a double and a run batted in, but he scores the winning run. And by the way, we loved him first.

Stairsy makes Boof go poof

First inning grand slams are awesome, especially when they come from Matt Stairs.

We missed most of the first inning last night, so imagine our shock when we tune in and see the score at 4-3 before the sixth out of the game had been registered. Especially with Halladay on the mound, who deserved the extra run support for once.

Other things to like about last night's game:

• Two hits for Brad Wilkerson.
• Doc fighting back, and somehow becoming a strikeout pitcher again.
• That slider that Brian Tallet threw in the eighth to strike out Brendan Harris. That was so nasty, we had Janet Jackson songs running through our head for the rest of the night.
  
• Getting six runs on six hits, while holding the Twins to five runs on eleven hits.
  

Taking some time away from blogging to spend more time with work
Unfortunately, the real world has crept into our life and left us with a monstrous stack of work (real work!), so unless the Jays sign Barry Bonds or trade for Adam Dunn, things might be a tad slower in this corner in the coming days.

We could really use an intern.

An indictment with fourteen more charges against Barry Bonds

And now that we know this, is there a chance that some of people who tirelessly rant on about the Jays' urgent need for a 43 year-old outfielder who hasn't swung a bat in anger in eight months can shut up and give it a rest already?

We get that in an ideal world, Bonds could contribute greatly to the struggling offence. But seriously, do the Blue Jays really need this? Do they need the headaches that would go along with trying to get him back and forth across the border about 20 times in the next four months, or the negative attention that he would bring to the team?

Even if Bonds were an asset on the field to any team, the idea that you would invest in someone who you knew could be yanked out of your lineup (in handcuffs, no less) before the end of the season doesn't make it worth the risk.

Massive offensive explosion!

Ten hits! Five runs! Put 'em on the boooooooooard...yes! Jays win!

It's just one win, and we're not going to ascribe any more meaning to it than it deserves. But it was a relief to see the Jays actually hit the ball solidly into the outfield with runners on base last night. Notably, Shannon Stewart actually looked a little more comfortable at the plate last night, even if his fourth inning RBI double was a bit of a gift from former teammate Mike Cuddyer.

Gibbons Watch returns
It's been a while since we made use of the Gibbons Watch tag on the blog, but seeing as how we are convinced like everyone else that he's about to get the can tied to him any day now, every decision he makes is going to be examined under a microscope.

Like last night's decision to pull Jesse Litsch after 70 pitches. We kinda get the rationale, given that the Twins big bats were coming up and the Jays have oodles of lefties in their pen now. Still, it seemed like the move of a manager who is coaching to save his job (hello, Carlos Tosca!). Last night's moves worked more or less...well...Jesse Carlson giving up a triple probably wasn't the anticipated result, but they got the win anyhow. But if Gibby continues to be this aggressive in his management style and it doesn't work, he's going to get pilloried.

Then again, he probably would anyway.

The Pit and the Pendulum

Let's start with this: it's not fair.

Then again, fair's got nothin' to do with it.

No matter the level of genius or motivation or scrappy gritty leadership a manager demonstrates, the Pink Slip is coming for him, sooner or later.

And that time is creeping sooner for John Gibbons. Let's face it: Gibby was on borrowed time to begin with, seeing as how even his best moments we're never quite up to snuff. Now, the blade is getting closer, the walls are heating up and closing in, and the eternal pit of unemployment is gaping hungrily below him. His time's almost up.

The fact is that this team, with the way they have played since April of 2007, is a bad team. At best a middle of the pack team with an outside shot at contention, this team has played to the lowest ends of its potential. This is a team that is going to have to scrape and claw to regain its traditional slot in third place in the AL East, never mind contending for a Wild Card berth. And does the responsibility for the assembly of players on the field fall with Gibby? Not especially.

Gibby's managerial decisions have been marginally better in the later part of 2007 and early in 2008, but again, that's not going to help him make the case for continued employment with this club. It's a bottom line business, and the bottom line shows the Jays four games in the red.

We don't want to make any guesses as to the when and how it happens, nor do we want to take excessive glee in his downfall. Know this: If Gibbons gets canned, it's not likely the start of a turnaround for the 2008 Jays. It's more likely to be the start of another three-to-five year cycle of re-evaluation and rebuilding.

Gibby ain't Jimy
What we're going to hear in the days that follow Gibbons' firing are a lot of analogies to the 1989 Blue Jays, who shitcanned Jimy Williams and went on to win the division. That kettle there ain't this kettle here.

Jimy was a hard ass manager who had lost the respect of some of his players. He didn't have the people skills to manage a group of young players (a fact that would be replicated in Boston and Houston), nor could he deal with a team that was transitioning from one era to the next.

And while Cito had initial success that year, the teams that eventually won the World Series three and four years later were significantly different from the one he took over. The 1989 Jays made the best of a down year in the AL East (their 89 wins would have put them in fourth in the West that year), but they weren't a championship team that just needed Cito to unlock their potential.

The incremental changes made in each year throughout that period (including the acquisition of Mookie Wilson in 1989, the elevation of John Olerud and Pat Borders in 1990, and the acquisitions of Joe Carter, Robbie Alomar and Devon White and the emergence of Juan Guzman in 1991) made the Jays a radically different and vastly improved team by the time of their back to back championships. It wasn't Cito, it was the personnel.

If the current Jays think that they can move forward by continuing to champion mediocrity with long-term deals to players who don't even remotely belong amongst the elite at their position, than this is going to be a much longer process indeed.

Another losing streak is finished

Five losses later, the Jays survive an unassisted triple play in the nightcap of last night's double header to salvage a win.

Yay.

Five and a half back, five back of the Wild Card. Last place in the AL East. And while it is not exactly late, it's scarcely early in the season either.

Before finally busting out with a three-run tenth last night, the Jays had gone 31 innings without pushing across a run. Take a look at the team offensive totals, and you see the Jays languishing near the bottom of almost every category with the likes of the Giants and Royals and Padres.

This is a really bad team offensively. Not one that just needs to get on track either. It's just bad, and after six weeks of play, we're not sure when the moment of great clarity is supposed to occur, when the Jays pull themselves out of this funk.

We're coming to a sad realization: that 2006 was the aberration, not 2007.

Because at this point in a lousy season, we could all use a laugh

We're not sure exactly whose batting stances this kid (in a Red Sox cap, it should be noted) is emulating. It's like a weird confluence of Rod Carew, a cricket batsman, a ping pong player, our drunken uncle and Tommy Tune.



Someday, this kid is going to look back on his decision to post this video as a learning experience, we're sure.

(Via All Your Base Are Belong to Rios.)

Trying to accentuate the positive

If nothing else, at least the Jays didn't get their asses handed to them on Sunday. Right?

While we're trying to fight back at the darkness, Jon Hale drops the knowledge on us that Frank Thomas is hitting marginally better in his time with the A's. And although he's still not setting the world on fire, he's still hitting better than just about anyone on the Jays over the past few weeks.

Let's play two
It doesn't appear as though Sportsnet will be airing the early game today, which is too bad because the matchup (Fausto Carmona versus A.J. Burnett on an extra day of rest) should be a good one. The late game kicks off 30 minutes after the conclusion of the first, and features the reincarnation of Sandy Koufax, Cliff Lee (6-0, 0.81 ERA) versus Shaun Marcum, which is nothing to sneeze at.

(Update: According to the preamble on Gregg Zaun's blog, Sportsnet will be airing both games, so feel free to go ahead and fill your boots.)

The message to Lind
Speaking of Sportsnet blogs, Jamie Campbell wonders about the message being sent to Adam Lind with his demotion and the team's acquisition of Brad Wilkerson. To be honest, we don't think that Lind got a fair shake, as he faced more major league calibre left-handed pitching in his brief recall than we think he should have in an ideal world. Still, it's better to have Lind in the lineup and getting his reps everyday than to have him in some sort of job-sharing situation with Matt Stairs and Shannon Stewart, never mind Wilkerson or Kevin Mench.

Still, Lind is 25, and by now he should be established as a part of the team's present, not their future.