Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Snap judgements

Your new starting catcher?
Rod Barajas, who slid like a motherfucker into that random Molina's shin guards to put the Jays up in the fourth and drove in a pair to bust it open in the seventh, now has five homers and 19 RsBI. Meanwhile while Gregg Zaun has two and eight respectively in about 30 more ABs. (Oh, and Zaunie likes breakfast, which we won't hold against him in this matter.) We hate to make too hasty a judgment, because we're invariably wrong on these things, but you're gonna have a hard time jamming the Sportsnet Playoff Anchor Whose Teeth Shall Go Unseen back into the lineup when he comes back.

Hey, you know what the Yankees could use?
Another sleeve patch. No, really. Let's add another commemoration of the end of this version of Yankee Stadium (vintage, 1976). It's the House that Graig Nettles Built, so we guess we should all genuflect and show it the respect that it deserves, right? How about some Chris Chambliss patches on the ass of every player? How about a patch sewn into the skull of every Yankee to honour the truly awful and stupidly expensive boiled hot dogs at the Bronx House of Botulism?

Can everybody just shut up about Joba already?
Fat ugly toad Joba Chamberlain lasted just over two innings. There's your god damned saviour, Yankee fans. And while we're at it, Joba (born 9/23/85) has done pretty much fuck all as a major league starter aside from having some overhyped "rules" named after him, while Jesse Litsch (born 3/9/85) is 7-1 this year with a 3.18 ERA (and 14-10 with a 3.58 over his first two years.) Not that we think it is an injustice necessarily, or that things won't play out differently in the end...but it does make us want to smack Michael Kay in the face with a Rideau Crusher every time we hear about how great Joe-Bah is.

Instead of apologizing for nebulous reasons, Jason Giambi should apologize for that really stupid mustache.
That's really stupid mustache. We bet he goes to all the hipster bars in New York, orders up bottle service for all his hangers-on, and then points at his supposedly ironic lip hair exclaiming "Hey man! Check out my mustache!" He should really stop trying so hard to be cool, because we all know that he's just a scared little jock douchebag who wants the world to love him again, even though he's a fraud and a sellout. Trying that hard only reinforces it.

14 comments:

eyebleaf said...

Tao, you're dead on with this post.

Barajas fucking rules. Jobber Chamberlain sucks. And Giambi (and Damon) need a razor, badly.

and how about doc's domination of the yankees recently? halladay is one of the best, ever, and his domination of that lineup only helps to prove that point. what a pitcher.

Anonymous said...

Havn't heard you all mention anything about Scrappy Ecks comeback. Seems like he is determined to still kick some butt and help the Jays win ballgames.

THE GREAT LAKES KNUCKLEBALLER said...

http://firemichaelkay.blogspot.com

Not updated nearly frequently enough, but telling. Most Yanks fans I know who are baseball fans actually despise the man.

Also: Giambi. All you gotta say is "gold lame´ thong."

Tao of Stieb said...

Take the accent off the "e" at the end, and you've got a "lame thong". Which pretty much sums it up.

Darren Priest said...

Moustache haters! You're just jealous that you'll never be half the man that Burt is. A moustache is never ironic, it's simply Ronic - as in Ron Jeremy-ic

Anonymous said...

your blog screams i am so jealous of the yankees, their success, their stadium, and their players. I'm sorry Toronto is so boring but that has nothing to do with why New York is great. Hell, Toronto is the third best city in Canada, a country in which the whole population hugs the border to warm up on some of the United States coolness. and Giambi rules. I'd let him buy me a beer, thong or no thong.

Brendan said...

Guy, why all the hate. As much as I don't like the Yankees and Joba Chamberlain, he still has a great arm and has the potential to be a great pitcher one day, whether it be as a starter or closer, which is bad news for REAL JAYS FANS. He was probably the most feared set up man in the bigs before he was converted and has only made one start. The guy is only 22 and has a lot to learn. So before you embarass yourself, educate yourself, and don't think Joba's career is defined by one appearance. Remember how shit Marcum and McGowan were when they started? I don't even think you're a Jays/baseball fan. I think you are a loudmouth drunk who doesn't know shit. You have some anger management issues and if you have a wife, you probably beat her.

Darren Priest said...

I have to stick up for Tao here. I have known him personally for over 10 years and none of what is stated in the above post is even remotely true. He has been a huge fan of the Jays his entire life, he doesn't have anger issues whatsoever, and I don't think he has ever hit anyone let alone his lovely wife. Try to maintain some perspective and decency despite the fact you are on the internet.

Tao of Stieb said...

Wow Brendan...that cuts pretty deep. We'll have to do a better job of not leaving bruises on Mrs. Tao from now on.

But in case you didn't make it through the entire 50 or so words of that part of the post, we said: "Not that we think it is an injustice necessarily, or that things won't play out differently in the end..."

So you see what we did there? We admitted that we might be out to lunch, and that we might be making more out of sixty or so pitches (many of which sailed well wide of the strike zone) than last night's game merited. We admitted that this was a "Snap Judgment".

(Hey, isn't that cool how that's the title of the entire post! It's as though we had a theme going there for a second! Cool!)

"Educate yourself." That's pretty rich. How's Junior College going for you, anyhow?

Tao of Stieb said...

Thanks for sticking up for us Priest.

Although we'd point out that given half the opportunity, we'd give you a good swat in the melon.

All in fun, of course.

Darren Priest said...

I seem to have that affect on people.

Anonymous said...

Hey - back to the all the love surrounding Barajas... did you see him almost take Adam Sandler's head off with that foul ball late in the game!?

Anonymous said...

Man, that Jesse Litsch kid is absolutely terrible. ERA of 5.40, WHIP of 2.20, one meager strikeout in five innings. Get rid of him... or maybe it was just a one game aberration, and making too much of an insignificant sample size is the mark of a mental midget, eh?

Anonymous said...

yes, but have you checked his metric stats? He throws like 200 kilometers per hour!