Mike Piazza, who is definitely not gay, is no longer an option for us (or Mike Wilner) to idly speculate on as an answer to the team's occasional offensive woes.
The former All-Star catcher, who nearly perfected the art of the unironic porn 'stache and served as the target for Roger Clemens' bat-tossing exploits, announced his retirement today. He's planning on staying home with his somewhat hot wife (former Playmate Alicia Rickter, who looks a little torn down these days) and the children that he absolutely sired himself with the fruit of his own loins, because he is definitely not gay. No gay stuff for Mikey. Totally straight.