Wednesday, March 26, 2008

The Tao of Stieb's Enemies List

Nixon had one. P.J. O'Rourke had an ironically smug one. So why can't we? There are so many people that we have an immense dislike for that we could break this off into a whole separate blog.

Let the listing begin.

Enemy #1 - Jim Kelley of Sportsnet
Let's begin with a measured statement: Jim Kelley is the root of all evil.

Okay, maybe we've gone too far with that one. How about this: Jim Kelley is singlehandedly running the Fan 590 and Sportsnet into oblivion.

We came to this conclusion last week while in the midst of our profound malaise. We thought it had everything to do with the length of Spring Training, but as the week went on, we came to understand that it had everything to do with Kelley's co-host duties on Prime Time Sports.

PTS is an institution, and we've gladly given them more than five hours out of our busy week for years now. But after listening to the wretched depths that the show reached last week, we've made a decision to never tune in again when Jim Kelley is on. (And don't even get us started with Kelley and Mike Toth being on at the same time. Seriously, when those two guys are on at the same time, our brains start to seep out of our ears.)

Listening to five hours of Jim Kelley in the run of a week is seriously fucking depressing. Instead of being a foil to the grumpy irascible Bob McCown, he cranks up the grumpiness to 11 and spouts off endlessly and cynically about stuff that he knows nothing about. Especially nauseating are those moments when Kelley gets into a lather about the Jays, then punctuates his rant with a comment that demonstrates his complete lack of knowledge, like "You know J.P. goes out and signs,'s his name? That guy who pitches and played for the team from California. Erm. You know, the Hispanic guy who wears a cap. Well, whoever it is, why did they sign him?"

It's fascinating to see the difference in the tone and content of the show when our mancrush Stephen Brunt sits across the console from McCown. He is able to play off of McCown's angry hanging judge mentality and steer the conversation back onto the rails with, you know, logic and reason. Brunt brings out the best in McCown.

Kelley, on the other hand, is a pompous, arrogant buffoon who growls, takes cheap shots, asks stupid non-questions (that are actually cheap shots), and helps lead the show into areas of idiotic
truculence that are worthy of a small-town Red State talk radio hoedown. He brings out the worst in McCown, and together they end up sounding like a pair of petulant, cantankerous old men, bitching and moaning about how kids these days just don't get it. It's like listening to two Morton Downey Jr.'s with hemorrhoids sitting on a cold metal bench and complaining about their ass pain. Not only is it unpleasant; it's completely uninteresting.

For doing his all to ruin the second best sports talk radio show in Canada (after Jays Talk, of course), we scrawl Jim Kelley's name at the top of the Tao of Stieb's Enemies List. (You been served, sucka!)


Dustin Parkes said...


I know he's not exactly a baseball expert, but I could listen to him complain all day. Him and Brunt both bring different things to the show, but I wouldn't change either of them.

Tao of Stieb said...

It's just that it is incessant, and listening to people bitch and bitch and bitch and then bitch some more is just depressing.

After listening to an hour Kelley moaning and bitching about how everyone is a big fat idiot and how the world is going to hell in a handbasket, we have to go to the Hallmark store and stare at calendars of kittens just to reset ourselves.

Andrew said...

If I want to hear amateurs talk about baseball I'll go read some blogs. Radio is dead.

Chris said...

I know Kelly is a little bit annoying but he's not as bad as your saying. He's your #1?
McCown is more annoying with the way he's burping and smacking his lips all the time.
McCown's opinions change like the weather and it's always negative. I never miss the show though.

Lloyd "the barber" Moseby said...

All hail Brunt, the Mayor of Mancrush City.

Tao of Stieb said...

We should note that Kelley isn't technically Enemy #1. He's just the first guy that came to mind.

There will be more.

Jim Kelley said...

I wish I cared.

Tao of Stieb said...

We know you don't care, Kelley.

That why you suck.

Jay said...

I agree 100% with this anti-Kelley sentiment (and am a little surprised at the comments supporting him). The guy is absolutely useless, and not just for baseball talk; it's as painful to hear him bumble through a rant on hockey or soccer. Come to think of it, I have no idea what he is supposed to be an "expert" on, besides being slapped around by Sabres' goalies.

Stoeten said...

Love for Kelley.

darren said...

This post made my day! Kelley is an abomination. He almost never makes sense talking about hockey, and doesn't even come close to making sense when talking about any other sport. What I can't believe McCown hasn't gone Hasek on him. Kelley tries to be a McCown sycophant, but he can't even manage to figure out McCown's logic and ends up going on completely incoherent tangents. McCown has to correct him even on the simplest things. It's ridiculous.

Buck16 said...

McCown may be a grump, but he's bang-on with 90% of his remarks. He just lays it out, something most people won't do for fear of losing a business contact or pissing someone off (like the pussies on Friday's round-table).