Tuesday, October 2, 2007

Good or Evil? We Decide (AL Edition)

With Matt Holliday’s face plant phantom winning run last night, the tables are set for serious October baseball.

To prepare for the veritable orgy of meaningful games to come, we’ve gone through the matchups to determine who’s good, who’s evil, who we’ll be rooting for and why.

First up, the American League.

Boston Red Sox (96-66) vs. Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim (94-68)
Red Sox, the Good: Fenway Pahk; the best unis in MLB; Big Papi; Manny being Manny; Tim Wakefield’ knuckler; Good Canadian Boy™ Eric Gagné.
Red Sox, the Evil: They’re AL East rivals; Curt Schilling’s ego; the stupendous payroll; Massholes; the endless self-satisfaction with the whole “Sweet Caroline” thing; our good friend constantly telling us “they look really good”; Fat Wisconsin Boy™ Eric Hinske.

Angels, the Good: Vlady; Howie Kendrick; Mike Scioscia looking tubby and intense; John Lackey bringing heat; that amazing bullpen.
Angels, the Evil: That whole “Los Angeles of Anaheim of Orange County of California of the U.S. of Planet Earth” tomfoolery; excessive shots of the Rally Monkey; the fact that Dick Griffin loves their “small ball” approach.

Verdict: It pains us to say it, but we can’t really root for the Angels if it means making a smug Dick exponentially more smug (smugger?). Therefore, we’re supporting the Red Sox, but with great fundamental reservations.

Cleveland Indians (96-66) vs. New York Yankees (94-68)
Indians, the Good:
That lineup; Pronk!; V-Mart’s offense; the one-two punch of C.C. and Fausto; a really good bullpen (with one notable exception).
Indians, the Evil: The insensitive name; the offensive logo; V-Mart’s defense; their dubious closer.

Yankees, the Good: It’s good to have a villain in the postseason; Yankees Stadium in October is intense; possible matchup with Red Sox in second round would be fun.
Yankees, the Evil: A-Rod, Absurd payroll; AL East Rivals; Herpes; hearing about the “Joba Rules” on an endless loop; pretty much everything else, really.

Verdict: The Tribe's our team this postseason, and we want them to crush the Yankees' heads. Crush crush crush.


Jim Briggs said...

Still gotta get around to crafting a yearbook signing, but man, going for the Sawx, huh?

I think the fact that you can yell "Fig-GIIINS" and sound like an angry boss (think Mr. Slate) seals the deal for me, Figgins being a fun guy to watch - and one missing from "The Good" of the Halos in your report.

The Yanks hatred runs deeper than the BoSox hatred, and given the choice, that's the way it would lie, but I'd rather see both AL East rivals crash and burn in the DS. Tribe all the way.

Tao of Stieb said...

Figgins, Schmiggins.

We're sorry, but we have to go that far.

We're not really fans of Figgins. We wouldn't place him in the evil category, though.

We were going to put something about Sarge Junior and HGH, but we knew that as soon as we posted, it would come out that the entire Jays team was on HGH this year, and got hairplugs and rhinoplasties to boot.

Jim Briggs said...

Aww, what's not to like? That beautiful almost-.400 OBP? That .330 BA? Those hefty stolen base totals?

Not much less power than Reed Johnson, way more speed, can sub in the infield when you need him? We love this guy!

Just us, though.

Gary Matthews, though, paying that much for him is pretty evil.

Lastly, no way Towers had a nose job. Now there's a location he can't miss. *Zing*

Drew said...

I would kill for something along the lines of Sweet Caroline dans le Centre Roger.

OK! Blue Jays!, in all its hokey glory, is fine and good, but sweet caroline is awesome. A karaoke standby for sure.

Tao of Stieb said...

How about Trooper's Raise a Little Hell at the 7th inning stretch?

Jim Briggs said...

The Yanks should start playing "Frankenstein" whenever Shelley Duncan goes yard.

Darren Priest said...
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Darren Priest said...
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