The Tribe - Awesomely Evil!

Remember the whole "Good vs. Evil" meme that we tried to start for the Division Series? Well, the Indians are proving to be amazingly evil, in the best possible way.

The G and M's Jeff Blair blogs this morning that the Tribe has invited country music strumpet Danielle Peck (seen above...mrrroawr!) to sing the National Anthem before tonight's game...a game to be started by Josh Beckett, who just happened to have had something of a dalliance at some point with Ms. Peck.

That, friends, is what we call gamesmanship.

Griffin makes an oopsie

As noted by Neate at Out of Left Field, Dick Griffin made an easily avoidable error in yesterday's column when he wrongly asserted that Kenny Lofton made a World Series appearance with the Tribe in 1997. Lofton did play for the Tribe's 1995 AL Champs, but was in the ATL by 1997.

We're sure he does not regret the error.

Also, Dick has continued with the mailbag through the fall, but to be perfectly honest, we couldn't be arsed to rehash it.

Bobby Kielty - Masshole saviour

Our good pal the Sox fan has taken to the exclamation "The Massholes are lovin' it!" In fact, he drops it pretty much a dozen times per game.

A squib single? "The Massholes are lovin' it!"

Routine ground ball, 4-3? "The Massholes are lovin' it!"

Manny, against all odds, making a behind-the-neck-cap-flying-off catch? "The Massholes are lovin' it!"

Well, the Massholes can't be loving the fact that the lynch pin of their comeback is former Jays trading chip and flaming ginger Bobby Kielty, who the Projo Sox Blog says will get the start over all $15 million worth of J.D. Drew.

The decision to start Kielty is a numbers play, as he is 9 of 29 with two homers, four doubles and 7 RsBI against Game 5 starter C.C. Sabathia. Still, there's something amiss when your big off-season free agent pick up has to sit because he can't hit lefties.

(Or so says us, the fans of the team that couldn't hit nothin' all year, no way no how.)

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The subtleties are not Joe Buck's strong suit

While we're fully focussed on the booth rather than the field today, a quick note on Joe Buck, and his comments about Hideki Okajima on Saturday. Although we were almost completely asleep/drunk at that point, we recall Buck discussing Okajima's career with the Nippon Ham Fighters.

This is all good, we suppose, but Buck kept referring to the team as the "Ham Fighters", as though they are mighty warriors, who bravely defend the people of Nippon from the evil canned hams that attack the young and the aged.

In fact, the team is the "Fighters", not the "Ham Fighters". They are owned by Nippon Ham...hence, the Nippon-Ham Fighters.

Still, we'd love to see Wayne Coyne working on a concept album all about the Ham Fighters, and their many historic battles.

Speaking of Ham Fighting
Former Blue Jay Ryan Glynn won Game 2 for the Nippon Ham nine in the Japanese League's Pacific League Championship Series against the evil Bobby Valentine's Chiba Lotte Marines.

For the life of us, we can't remember who the hell Ryan Glynn is.

The Tracks of Suzyn Waldman's Tears

We grew up listening to WFAN in New York, and spent many nights listening to Suzyn Waldman's work reporting on the Knicks and Yankees. We always thought that she was an excellent reporter; knowledgeable and above all, professional. She didn't traffic in clichés, and she didn't tip-toe around players or management to appease them. She was good, regardless of gender, and we always appreciated hearing her rasp pop up over the airwaves.

Which is why we took little joy in viewing her getting her ass handed to her last week after she got choked up in the post game show after Joe Torre and the Yanks were shown the door by Cleveland last week.

In truth, a lot of the criticism of Waldman's performance last week stems from her absurd, overwrought boosterism when Roger Clemens announced in May that he was creeping back to the Bronx to steal their money limp away in shame lead the Yankees back to the promised land.

Waldman's since come back swinging, accusing her critics of being "anti-female". While we think that those who held her up for ridicule protested a bit too much, we'd suggest that it wasn't sexism that drove this campaign against Waldman so much as it was the schadenfreude at seeing the Yankees fail again so gracelessly.

Decline and Fall

This brief, miserable chapter of Eric Gagné's career may soon be over. We can't imagine the team going back to him after yet another late inning blow up.

Mind you, Gagné wasn't a complete washout in the Sox 13-6 loss to the Tribe on Saturday night. A walk and a hit for some relievers wouldn't warrant wearing the goats horns, but we still have the image of Gagné as the "Game Over", lights out shut down man strutting in from the bullpen in Chavez Ravine. With limited success over the past three seasons, he's just not that guy anymore.

Stat of the Weekend
Five hours, fourteen minutes. For a game that needlessly started at 8:37 on a Saturday night. Ridiculous.

Can't Stop the Rox
You remember how the Jays kept saying that they needed to get on a roll? Well 20 wins in 21 games is a roll. It's almost hard to imagine that this is the team that the Jays piled up on 9-8, 11-6, and 5-0 (Dusty Lambchops' complete game gem) for a three-game sweep back in June. Maybe we're being sore losers, but if the Jays were in the NL West, they'd be perennial contenders. Oh, if only plate tectonics could accommodate our playoff aspirations.

Taoist activity: flatlining

We really didn't intend to go silent this week, but unfortunately, numerous and sundry real life issues have monopolized our time.

We should probably take one of those effective time management courses to help us sort these issues out, but they'd just tell us to stop screwing around with all the blogging. Screw that.

A quick thought on Denbo
We heard Bob McCown railing on and on last night about Fennis Gary Denbo's piss-poor minor league career. This seems like a preview of what we'll get from the Bobcat on a constant loop next season whenever the Jays struggle at the plate: ".208 minor league average! No home runs! He was a bum!" We know Bob does it to be entertaining, so we won't put that much stock in his rantings. We're willing to give Denbo a pass on this matter as we've come to learn that there is no greater path to wisdom than futility and failure.

Odds and sods from sweeperific weekend

Exeunt Torre
It's been a long time (well, seven years) since Joe Torre's had a season end on a positive note, and with last night's 6-4 loss to the Clevelanders eliminating the Bombing Bronx Crew, it's going to be another long winter for the ever-grimacing skipper. Each year, it seems as though his head is on the block, but this may finally be it for Torre. The guess here is that by next April, the Yanks collection of aging veterans and "starters of the future" will be heaped into the lap of Don Mattingly, who will spend the next six months trying to figure out how to make anything out of this team. Hilarity ensues.

Big Hurt Gets Off to a Slow Start - Again
Neate notes (with a report from Broadcasting and Cable) that Frank Thomas' poor performance in the TBS booth early in the first round has sent the net scrambling for Ron Darling to pick up the slack. Of course, we couldn't imagine how Thomas' on-camera work could be any worse than watching Sportsnet's Sultan of Smoove Jason Portuondo aimlessly punning his way through another highlight package. (Jason: we're sure you're cool. Stop trying so hard.)

Meet Gary Denbo - Your New Hitting Coach/Whipping Boy
Jeff Blair reports that the Jays are likely to announce former Yanks hitting coach Gary Denbo as their replacement for Mickey Brantley as soon as today. Denbo is apparently familiar with these video cassette machines that capture moving images, and uses them extensively.

Sweeping the Division Series Away

Wow...where did the Division Series go? The first round seems to be over before it even got started, with the distinct possibility that the two AL series will be toast by the time the tryptophan kicks in tonight.

Hey, not that we're complaining...We're happy to see the Cubs and Phils cooling their heels until next year. Tant mieux, and all that.

But the first round of the playoffs is usually the most fun, and to see it gone so quickly make us wonder if the first round should be extended to a seven game series. (We know, we know...the baseball season is long enough.)

Anyways, enjoy your turkey weekend...we'll be giving thanks for another evening spent with our pal the BoSox fan.

The Tao's Luxury Real Estate Listings

Ten-room luxury condo for sale: $3.18 million (Cheap!)

Property may be haunted by ghosts who cause former occupants to spend multiple periods on disability leave.

Hey, wait a second...if A.J. lives in a condo, then from who's house is he emerging early in the morning to huck the garbage bag in the Jays commercials?



Next, you're gonna tell us that those aren't Frank Thomas' kids, and that Lyle Overbay wasn't invited to that wedding!

A night with a Red Sox fan

We spent last night watching the first game of the ALDS with our good pal, the Red Sox fan. We love the guy, but we were glad that there was alcohol involved.

It went a little something like this:

"The Sox...they look good!"
"Mmm hmm."

(Two minutes later.)
"They're lookin' good, those Sox. They're looking good!"
"Yeah, they are."

(Five minutes later.)
"Man, Beckett's mowing 'em down! He looks good!"
"Yeah yeah, he does."

(Just after Big Papi hit his two-run homer.)
"Big Papi's dialed in! He's going to be great this postseason!"
"Mmm hmmm."

(Several innings and several drinks later.)
"They're unstoppable! They're gonna run over these guys! The Massholes are lovin' it."
"They sure do."

(Beckett cruises through another inning.)
"Look at this Beckett! He looks amazing!"
"Yeah, he sure does."

(Lackey gets pulled for Big Erv Santana.)
"They raked him over the coals!"
"Well, aside from the one inning, he pitched pretty well and kept them in it."
"SHAAADDUP!"

At least there were no drinks or foodstuffs thrown.

Still, we can't wait to hit our tavern of choice on Friday to catch game 2, and bask in the unabashed enthusiasm of our pal. It reminds us of why we love the game, and it makes us dream of the day that the Jays will be in the playoffs, so that we can return the favour. (It might be a while.)

Good or Evil - NL Edition

Continuing on from yesterday's Good or Evil AL playoff preview, we break down the relative angelic and demonic factors going into the NL playoff picture.

Colorado Rockies (90-73) vs. Philadelphia Phillies (89-73)

Rockies, the Good: Feel good story of the week; Todd Helton’s goatee; monster offense; Good Canadian Boy™ Jeff Franchise.
Rockies, the Evil: Phantom runs; purple uniforms; humidors; We still hate Dan O’Dowd for not letting Francis pitch for Canada in the Olympics; the memory of Dante Bichette.

Phillies, the Good: Philly fans; monster offense; Feel good story of last week; Jamie Moyer’s stirrups; Antonio Alfonseca’s extra fingers; Rooting for Pat Gillick; wicked AL-style lineup; cheesesteaks.
Phillies, the Evil: Philly fans; Closers who smack their wives around; memories of the ’93 Phillies; Pat Burrell.

Verdict: Those lineups in those two bandboxes? We don’t even care who wins, we just want to see both teams mash each other into oblivion.

Arizona Diamondbacks (90-72) vs. Chicago Cubs (85-77)
D-Backs, the Good: O-Dog; Brandon Webb; Chris B. Young, when he hits the ball; memories of the 2001 World Series; Having Glenn Campbell’s “By the Time I Get to Phoenix” stuck in our heads.
D-Backs, the Evil: “It’s a dry heat”; Retirees in shorts pulled up to their armpits; Chris B. Young, when he’s striking out; Taking forever to recognize Martin Luther King Day; Randy Johnson’s old man back; Gratuitous snake iconography.

Cubs, the Good: Wrigley Field day games; Pitchers laying the smack down on their catchers; Referring to Ryan Theriot as “The Riot”; Derek Lee; the Memory of Harry Carey; possible Bill Murray sightings.
Cubs, the Bad: Wrigley Field night games; NL Central “Champions”; Spending sprees; Endless blathering about the Curse of the Goat; Blaming Bartman; Idiotic celebrity versions of “Take Me Out to the Ballgame”; possible Jim Belushi sightings.

Verdict: We know that there’s a sentimental reason to cheer for the Cubs. But we’re not that sentimental, and we like the D-Backs young lineup.

Ex-Jays in the Playoffs – All pitch, no hit

In Hum and Chuck’s handy Glossary of Terms, there’s a mention of an entertaining way to pass the time once the playoffs start and the Jays aren’t there (i.e. pretty much annually.)

Ex-Jays in the Playoffs - A fun game to play at home to drown out Tim McCarver's ramblings. Try to pick out all the Ex-Jays who are playing in the playoffs, make a team out of them and decide whether the Ex-Jay team could beat the Current Jays team. Note that the number of Ex-Jays in the playoffs always outnumbers the current Jays in the playoffs.

Hey, we're game.

A quick look through the rosters, and we can find barely enough players to field a team. There's almost a full pitching staff there, but the hitting would make even the 2007 Mickey Brantley offense look like the Big Red Machine.

First, the Rotation:

Kelvim Escobar, LAA
Ted Lilly, CHC
Roger Clemens, NYY
Doug Davis, ARI
Steve Trachsel, CHC

That's a pretty good collection of arms, but we'd still give the edge to the Jays based on this season's performance. Edge: 2007 Jays

The Bullpen:

Justin Speier, LAA
Mike Timlin, BOS
Brandon Lyon, ARI
Francisco Rosario, PHI
Scott Eyre, CHC

These guys are all pretty useful seventh-inning pitchers, but ultimately, there's no real closer there and with Speier's bad health (the Jays dodged a bullet there)and declining returns for Timlin and Eyre, it's really not much of a contest. Edge: 2007 Jays.

The Lineup

Orlando Hudson 2B, ARI
Jayson Werth LF, PHI
Eric Hinske, RF, BOS
Casey Blake, 3B, CLE
Bobby Kielty, CF, BOS
Chris Gomez, 1B, CLE
Royce Clayton, SS, BOS
Kevin Cash, C, BOS

Sure, you can dispute our lineup construction, but this is pretty weak. We definitely like Hudson and Blake, and Werth was good for the Phils this season, but this offense is made up mostly of guys who are eating up their last chance before they become AAA veterans. Edge: 2007 Jays.

So the moral of the story is: the 2007 Jays would totally have won the World Series this year. Are we right?

Or maybe the real moral of the story is: That there is no glaring example of a player that the Jays gave up on towards whom the T.O. media douches can point as an example of J.P.'s ineptitude. Then again, we're sure that your Dicks and Simmons can always find a third of an inning performance from Lyon, and drop in a "Brandon Lyon, who J.P. shamefully tossed on the scrap heap..."

Good or Evil? We Decide (AL Edition)

With Matt Holliday’s face plant phantom winning run last night, the tables are set for serious October baseball.

To prepare for the veritable orgy of meaningful games to come, we’ve gone through the matchups to determine who’s good, who’s evil, who we’ll be rooting for and why.

First up, the American League.

Boston Red Sox (96-66) vs. Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim (94-68)
Red Sox, the Good: Fenway Pahk; the best unis in MLB; Big Papi; Manny being Manny; Tim Wakefield’ knuckler; Good Canadian Boy™ Eric Gagné.
Red Sox, the Evil: They’re AL East rivals; Curt Schilling’s ego; the stupendous payroll; Massholes; the endless self-satisfaction with the whole “Sweet Caroline” thing; our good friend constantly telling us “they look really good”; Fat Wisconsin Boy™ Eric Hinske.

Angels, the Good: Vlady; Howie Kendrick; Mike Scioscia looking tubby and intense; John Lackey bringing heat; that amazing bullpen.
Angels, the Evil: That whole “Los Angeles of Anaheim of Orange County of California of the U.S. of Planet Earth” tomfoolery; excessive shots of the Rally Monkey; the fact that Dick Griffin loves their “small ball” approach.

Verdict: It pains us to say it, but we can’t really root for the Angels if it means making a smug Dick exponentially more smug (smugger?). Therefore, we’re supporting the Red Sox, but with great fundamental reservations.

Cleveland Indians (96-66) vs. New York Yankees (94-68)
Indians, the Good: That lineup; Pronk!; V-Mart’s offense; the one-two punch of C.C. and Fausto; a really good bullpen (with one notable exception).
Indians, the Evil: The insensitive name; the offensive logo; V-Mart’s defense; their dubious closer.

Yankees, the Good: It’s good to have a villain in the postseason; Yankees Stadium in October is intense; possible matchup with Red Sox in second round would be fun.
Yankees, the Evil: A-Rod, Absurd payroll; AL East Rivals; Herpes; hearing about the “Joba Rules” on an endless loop; pretty much everything else, really.

Verdict: The Tribe's our team this postseason, and we want them to crush the Yankees' heads. Crush crush crush.