Thursday, March 11, 2010

Behold the awesomeness of Jo-Bau

Assume all of the standard caveats about these being fake games, and the Ghosts of Jason Lane and Simon Pond, and what have you. And also assume the caveats about how it doesn't matter if you are crushing fastballs that are slow and straight (like Adam Carolla fans!) in March. Or April. Or September. And possibly May. Maybe August too.

But set all that aside for a brief moment, and let's drink this in. Let's savour the sweet spring of José Bautista. Let's swish it around in our mouths, and let it just sit there for a moment or two.

Here's what the man has done in five Fake Games so far: He's got 22 total bases in 14 at bats. He sports a 2.214 OPS (.643 OBP, 1.571 SLG). He's got nine hits, of which seven are for extra bases (four doubles and three homers). He's scored six and driven in six. And he's played third base while certain other Jays tend to the health of their fat, injured wrists.

Sure, we know it's totally wrong to fall in love with something so young and as-yet-unformed-and-immature. But if the Spring of Jo-Bau is Lolita, then we're the fumbling, bumbling Humbert Humbert, tripping over our own better sense to fall for it.

23 comments:

Darren Priest said...

Nice Adam Corolla line.

Tao of Stieb said...

Any man who gives himself the nickname "Ace" deserves to be ridiculed.

(So says the man who calls himself "Tao"...)

Darren Priest said...

You'll still call me Iceman when we play beach volleyball, right?

Anonymous said...

Does this mean that you'll be taking Bautista in your RotoWorld Fantasy Baseball pool?

Sven the Swede said...

The Carolla line is gold. He didn't really give himself "Ace" as a nickname? No one can be that dumb.

To anyone out there with the power to determine this (I'm a hard-at-work government employee so obviously have no time), how is Jo-Bau's 3rd base defence? If Encarnacion is hurt for a while, which will probably happen sooner or later, will the D suffer?

And in searching for how to spell "Encarnacion" I noticed that "Cliff Johnson" has been discussed three times. Can we have some more of that action please?

Tao of Stieb said...

I love Cliff Johnson. I could talk about Cliff Johnson for a week straight.

If I ever write a book, it's going to be 75% Cliff Johnson, 20% Al Oliver and 5% Jimmy Key. (And if necessary, I'll find some marginal space to talk about red-haired starlets. Just to round things off.)

Here's one of the things that makes Cliff Johnson so goddamned awesome: He comes back to the Jays, who have the aforementioned Al Oliver as a lefty DH, wearing number 0. And Cliffy is all like: "Seriously, fuck it. I'm gonna be Double Zero! "00". Make the jersey up now, boys.

This is where the Jays totally miss out. They try to sell you a powder blue jersey with number 10 on it, but there wasn't anybody who was any good at all who wore number 10 back then.

But I would totally buy a 00.

Because Cliff Johnson is that awesome.

But I digress.

Anonymous said...

There's no room for, uh, Dave Stieb in this book of yours?

Tao of Stieb said...

You see, people would just expect us to write about Stieb. But you've gotta draw the line somewhere.

I'm sticking to my guns on this one.

Anonymous said...

Dave Collins - #10 no?

60 SB's in a year no one has come close?

Mind you it was 1984, not 1985

Wasn't the grasshopper Len Matusak #10 in 85

As Edith Bunker would say....those were the days.....

sutpen said...

Not to give Cito-Clarence-The Manager too much credit, but I seem to remember people grumbling about Marco Scutaro batting lead off for the Jays last year. I think we were all pleasantly surprised to see that work out so well.

I, for one, am looking forward to seeing if a similar situation plays out this year. Helping slightly older hitters reach their full potential does seem to be one area where the current regime has had some success.

Gil Fisher said...

Cliff Johnson and Al Oliver are my all-time favourite Jays DH's. I thought you were younger than that? You actually recall those days?

Tao of Stieb said...

@Gil Fisher

Dude, I'm as old as Nebuchadnezzar's nappies. I remember Roy Lee Jackson and Luis Leal. (Not well, mind you. But still.)

@sutpen
Most importantly, Jo-Bau has assumed the magic number 19 jersey from Scoots. If he does well, I'm gonna go ahead and get a 19 tattoo on my back in the old school Jays number font.

The Ack said...

I never saw Cliff Johnson play, but I know that he punched out Goose Gossage, and that's somethin'.

Topcat is all right by me.

Tim in London said...

@Tao,

I would prefer that all Al Oliver references be given his real name for clarity. "Scoop" from now on please.

Mylegacy said...

Tao - put me down for a copy of your book!

You could title it: "The Key to AL you ever wanted to know about Cliff"

Or not.

MK Piatkowski said...

I've been cautiously optimistic about Jo-Bau as well. It's amazing what can happen if you know what your role is after bouncing around for so many years.

Tao, not only do I remember Roy Lee Jackson and Luis Leal (a bit), I also remember Rick Bosetti patrolling the outfield.

plain_g said...

on a mildly related topic, with the twinkies interested in frasor, is there a package to be made for delmon young here? right now the twinks have an outfield of kubel, span, and cuddyer, with jim thome as dh. does frasor + a young controllable starting pitcher make it happen?

Steve G. said...

The Carolla line is gold. He didn't really give himself "Ace" as a nickname? No one can be that dumb.

Speaking as a moderator of the message board devoted to him... He used it as a tongue-in-cheek nickname for himself when he did Loveline. Eventually, this evolved into a bit where he would parody those horrible drive-time DJs who have lightening rounds, bang cowbells and talk about naked porn stars.

On topic though, I love watching spring training games solely for bizarre lines like Bautista's. As a former Little League all-star with absolutely no real baseball talent, I can appreciate any guy who puts up zany numbers in a small sample size against inferior competition. I mean, I once hit .600 in a full little league season.

radar said...

How about Otto "the swatto" Velez or Rico Carty?

Evan said...

I'm digging the Humbert Humbert reference, you old dirty bastard

el narcson said...

Classy literature references Monsieur...

Anonymous said...

No room for Dave Lemanczyk in the book? And as long as we're talking Als, how about a little love for Al Woods.

Gil Fisher said...

I'd trade Tallet for Delmon Young. Straight up.