The DJF (who else?) breaks the news to us that Los Gigantes have decided to sign Aaron "Bacon Pants" Rowand to a five-year deal, thereby putting us out of our misery.
But seriously: We know the Ladies love Rowand, but any franchise who is going to sign a greazzy mediocrity like him to a five year deal deserves the subsequent years in the wilderness they will subsequently suffer. Let this roll around your noggin for a while, Giants fans: "Now batting fourt-ourth-ourth, Number thirty-three-ee-ee, Aaron Rowand-and-and." Yeah, that'll play.
Rowand went 27 HRs and 89 RsBI in that postage stamped sized novelty miniature ball park in Philly. We swear: if dude hits 20 homers in any of those five years, we'll eat a pound of raw bacon. For reals.