Wednesday, June 1, 2011

10 Reasons Gordie Dougie is More Canadian Than Canada Itself

On the occasion of his glorious summoning to the Blue Jays, we offer a brief rundown of all the many ways that Gordie Dougie is the most Canadian of all Canadians, and thereby the greatest baseball player of all time.

1. Doesn't use pine tar. Applies maple syrup to his bat.

2. He maintains a Tim Horton's double-double level of 0.13 in his blood stream at all times.

3. When he was young, his mother sent a letter to Monsieur Eaton, asking him to send a Blue Jays sweater for young Brett. But Monsieur Eaton sent a jersey with the abominable "NY" of the Yankees instead. Brett was ostracized by his friends, who all wore Blue Jays sweaters with number 9 on the back. They were 9 John Oleruds playing against 9 other John Oleruds. When Brett broke his bat because he was not allowed to play in his Yankees sweater, the "curée" told him to go home and pray to God because of what he had done. And when he went home, young Brett prayed for a thousand moths to come eat his Yankees sweater.

4. When he hits a home run, he calls it "going top shelf".

5. Has tattoos of Tommy Douglas on one arm, Peter Gzowski on the other.

6. Thinks Margaret Atwood gets unfairly overlooked by the Giller Prize, and wonders why there was so little fuss about The Year of the Flood.

7. After every take out slide, pops up and apologizes to the middle infielder.

8. Still refers to the tractor that drags the infield before games as "the Zamboni".

9. Knows all the lyrics to the theme song from "The Littlest Hobo".

10. Rather than consulting with team doctors, he makes appointments to see a specialist in Canada and waits for several months to get in to see them.

(And feel free to add your own in the comments!)

26 comments:

Anonymous said...

That's two entries in a row that make reference to The Littlest Hobo. Latent obsession?

Chad said...

Awesome list! My addition:

"Keeps Bill Barilko's hockey card tucked into his cap, which he refers to as his 'Fifty Mission Cap' for some reason."

Tao of Stieb said...

Oh...gratuitous Tragically Hip reference. Totally missed that.

And yes, I am obsessed with the Littlest Hobo.

sporkless said...

Number 3 had me roaring with laughter.

Make sure you follow @HoboLittlest

"There's a voice that keeps on calling me / Down the road that's where I'll always be..."

Chad said...

Is Lawrie to young to care about the Hip? The Hip, dude! Seeing the Hip at the Aitken Centre!

(I actually do, or at least did, like the Hip a lot.)

Chad said...

I watched a few episodes of the Littlest Hobo recently. My main observations were:

1. Hobo understands the English language completely. He even possesses second order reasoning that allows him to parse sarcasm and subtle threats.

2. Hobo generally prefers indirect solutions that are often almost Goldbergian in complexity.

3. Hobo rarely, or at least I have not observed it, demonstrates outright physical aggression against his antagonists -- despite the fact that, as a German Shepherd, it should be one of his main strengths.

4. Discussing Littlest Hobo is far more enticing to me than working.

Ian - BJH said...

Littlest Hobo: best theme song ever.

Anonymous said...

He gets upset when he asks for a screwdriver, and someone hands him a Philips head.

Anonymous said...

Knows "The Trouble with Tracy"

Tao of Stieb said...

Thought the female half of the Edison Twins was hot.

Oh wait. That was me.

Chad said...

Adds the letter U to all stat categories because that's how the British do it.

Kathryn said...

This is an awesome post. Especially #3. Or, well, all of them.

#11. During spring training he kept asking Casey Janssen how much money he made off of having his childhood likeness used on Mr. Dressup

#12. He knows the Friendly Giant wasn't just another type of canned vegetables

#13. He had childhood crushes on all the girls from Breaker High

Stedron said...

This American feels very out of place in these comments. :(

DoubleA said...

Claims his favourite band is the Zit Remedy (stop telling me favourite is spelled wrong Blogger!)

Dan Daoust said...

Is convinced that The War of 1812 was basically Canada's Revolutionary War and that Canada defeated the United States.

Dan Daoust said...

Has never been to Winnipeg.

mike from ottawa said...

11. Walk-up music: "Koo roo koo koo koo koo koo koo koo, Koo roo koo koo koo koo koo koo."

mike from ottawa said...

12. Think Aramis Ramirez is kind of a pussy for coming out of the game yesterday with a cut on his lip. Should just been stitched up on the bench and got his ass back out there.

Anonymous said...

#5 - also has david suzuki tramp stamp tat

Anonymous said...

Takes friends to see where a few episodes of 'The Beachcombers' were shot. Always points out where Bruno Gerussi once went off on a grip for messing up his Timmies order.

Chad said...

Mike, that would be great walk-up music. Pretty sure Lawrie is going with the Parachute Club's "Rise Up" though.

Anonymous said...

He's a man among men, the people's champion
And when destiny calls him
He's King of Kensington

Anonymous said...

When camping, he asks any raccoons he encounters about their paper and flying bicycle. He refers to pigs as "sneers".

Anonymous said...

Also when camping, he wears bright sweaters and crawls into any fallen log he happens across.

Anonymous said...

Wayne Dougie is the greatest baseball player ever! He almost met the polka-roo but missed him by just a second. (which was kind of wierd because as soon as Lawrie came around the balck guy that had been missing showed up about the same time!

wendy said...

Haha! Your parody of The Hockey Sweater is brilliant!