Fluffy kitties and other pleasant thoughts

Our image consultant told us that we'll need to back off some of the sexism and nerdity, and offer ourselves out to new audiences as a softer, more inclusive and comforting blog.

And thus: Kitties! Look at how fluffy they are!

And now: The pleasantries.

Adam Dunn: Why Not Us?
Fox's Jean-Paul Morossy (I just Frenchified him! Ah! C'est tellement cute!) makes the case that the Jays might make sense as a landing place for Adam Dunn. In spite of whatever defenses we may have made for J.P. Ricciardi's anti-Dunn screed a few years back, we've loved the giant lug of a slugger ever since the first time we saw him step to the on-deck circle as a Louisville Bat back in the day. (Seriously, we were wondering where the fuck his blue ox was, he was so big.)

We'd love to see Dunn in a Jays uni, so long as he's at least willing to consider some at bats as a DH. (Which is no small caveat, we're led to believe.)

Jesse Crain is the Most Canadian Canadian in All of Canadian History of Canada's Canadians
Actually, he was born here by happenstance, and spent the majority of his life in the U.S.. (He's probably never tasted poutine! Or doesn't own a Tragically Hip CD! He has never seen the Air Farce, and he totally doesn't get any of their jokes!) Still, it's seemingly impossible for folks to talk about him and his potential as a potential acquisition without trotting out the fact that he was born in Toronto. Even the aforementioned Morosi can't help himself.

(To be fair, we could hardly hold ourself back from the "pseudo-Canadian" angle when we mentioned Crain as a potential closer for 2011 back in a mid-September Tweet Bag.)

Beyond any passport implications, Crain would make an intriguing acquisition. He pumped up his strikeout rate last year (to 8.21) and dropped his walks (3.57 per nine.) He might have been a touch lucky (his BABIP dropped 35 points to .270, which might have something to do with the new park...?), and there is a bit of concern that some of the success might be attributed to his fly ball rate increasing in the allegedly cavernous Target Field. One would imagine that a 44% fly ball rate might be a bit more of a problem in the Rogers Centre.

One last thought on Crain: You put his numbers up against Jason Frasor's, and the Sausage King pretty much comes out on top across the board. Which only helps to feed into our notion of a "Return of the Sausage King" campaign. (T-shirts, undoubtedly, to be sold at an online retailer near you soon.)

Get Out the Jumpsuit - It's Fat Elvis Time
So Lance Berkman kinda fell off a cliff last year, and will be 35 this season. (If you'd asked us before we looked it up, we would have sworn he was 31. Time flies.)

And we're certainly not interested in adding a fat man to the roster so that we can admire him for his former glories. Still, his .368 OBP is attractive, and his 2.1 WAR last year was better than all other returning Jays except for Bautista and Wells.

We wouldn't give him anything over $3 million on a one-year contract with options, but we wouldn't mind seeing what a healthy and possibly chastened Berkman could do for a year with his career hanging in the balance.

Rosterbatory ramblings: Bring on the hot stove!

(Recently, we've been apologizing left and right for our prolonged absences, so we won't even bother to bore you with the apologia for our neglect of you, our valued blog readers. Let's just get on with it, and pretend like daddy still lives at home, and doesn't have to drop you off at mom's at 7 PM on Sunday.)

When we last were around to jibber-jabber about the news of the day, it was all about our joy over seeing Los Gigantes tear up the postseason. And now that they have run the table, walked away with the big prize, it's time to start the rosterbation and start digging into the offseason.

YEAH! HOT STOVE! METAL HORNS!

(Truth be told, we probably glom onto the hot stove detritus and ramblings every year as a manner of maintaining some semblance of sanity whilst waiting for the next season to approach. It's a long cold winter, and given that our capacity to make it out to Fall and Winter League games isn't all that great, we'll have to make due with making up make-believe opening day rosters on spare scraps of paper to keep our baseball loving hearts warm and toasty.)

What will the Jays Offseason Look Like?
There's some conventional wisdom that the Jays won't do much this offseason, and that with most of their lineup and rotation in place, the personnel moves will be minimal.

Of course, this all depends on your definition of "much" when it comes to the offseason. In previous years, the Jays were said to have done little (and criticized for it). And yet, they were bringing in the likes of Scott Downs (Lefty ganesh! Compensatory picks!), Marco Scutaro (Big year! Compensatory picks!) and John Buck (holy friggin' compensatory picks!).

Sure, in the short term, that's not going to stop a dumbass like James Deacon from complaining about the lack of major league signings (what...Kevin Millar's not enough for you?), but often times, it's the little moves that are most impactful in the end.

So what do we expect? A couple of smaller moves to fill out the bullpen and replace the departing late inning guys. (We're anticipating that Gregg, Frasor and Downs will all be gone, so your bullpen "ace" is now Shawn Camp. Enjoy.)

Also, we wouldn't be surprised to see one "big-ish" move, where Alex Anthopoulos brings in at bat or a mid-to-top-rotation guy at the expense of a prospect or two. (He's said as much. Sorta. We're probably reading in to that.)

Who's our off-season mancrush?
Aubrey Huff. We can't remember the last time we were that excited to see a bunt. We're not even sure if we agreed with the strategy (we were exceedingly drunk and schmoozingly distracted in the moment that it occurred), but if Aubrey Huff can make us excited by small ball, then we want to see him mash it up as a Blue Jay.

And you cannot talk us out of this.

We shouldn't like Endy Chavez, but...

If you know anything about your good friend the Tao, you should know how much we hate small ball and the scrappy, slappy players who play that game. Small ball is for mosquito leagues. Or tee ball. Or the league-mandated women that you must carry on your co-ed, modified slo-pitch softball team.

It's not for a team looking to hang in the AL East.

But for whatever reason, we kinda can't help but like Endy Chavez, in whom JP Morosi of FoxSports.com (via MLBTR!) says the Jays have some interest. Sure, he's got a career OBP of .312, and slugs a not-so-mighty .367. And for a guy who puts up those sorts of numbers, he doesn't exactly leave a charred path in his wake on the basepaths, posting stolen base numbers of nine, six and five over the past three season. (Albeit in limited time.)

Chances are, we just like this guy because we still think fondly upon the 2002 season that he put up with the Ottawa Lynx, where he tore up the International League with an .858 OPS (and a .343 AVG, which probably matters for a slap hitter.) Also, he sports some pretty impressive numbers in the realm of defensive metrics (how did we live before Fangraphs?), with a career 15.7 UZR/150 in the outfield (24.8 in LF, 10.7 CF, 19.8 in RF).

Maybe the best thing for us is if the Jays don't go ahead and sign him, so that he can remain a hero in our mind's eye. If we ended up watching him for a full season, it might start to dawn on us that he's the Latin Reed Johnson. (Although Endy doesn't run like a girl. Which is an important distinction.)

Russell Branyan is someone's idea of slugger

About 10 years ago, in an age before blogs (really!) and such, people used to fart about on newsgroups, which were essentially long email trails populated in general by anonymous strangers with similar interests. (My, haven't things changed...Progress!!!1) Newsgroups were generally a tremendous waste of time, due in large part to the fact that you had to sift through post after post of idiotic blowhards who regarded a given newsgroup as their personal fiefdoms. They would look upon these online fora as the perfect venue into which they would unleash their wisdom upon the apparently unwashed, stupid masses.

(And don't get us wrong: We get that we do pretty much the same thing. But we'd like to think that we are vaguely entertaining and occasionally insightful...plus, we have pictures!)

We mention all of this because the talk last night about the Jays possibly showing some interest in Russell Branyan reminded us of one particularly obnoxious goof who used to regularly excrete his unbridled manlove for the big whiffing slugger when he was still a prospect in the Indians system. The poster, who went by the name Greyjay, would endlessly prattle on about how incredibly prescient and insightful he was, and how the multitude of absurd trades that he would suggest were the only path to glory for the Jays. (At some point, he was pretty much tossing Halladay into whatever package as a throw-in, while advocating the acquisition of Tony Armas Jr.)

Mostly, though, this dude would go on at length about how the Jays were stupid not to make a trade to get Branyan, as he was virtually guaranteed to hit 40 homers and drive in 125 runs every year. (And for those of you playing along at home, Branyan set career highs in those categories last season...with 31 homers and 76 RsBI.)

We're not sure what ever became of that dude, although we've occasionally convinced ourselves that he was either Bob Elliot or Richard Griffin. Considering the condescending tones of his writing, and the love of Canadian players and Expos, we could make an argument for either one. Whoever it was, we wonder today if he's be thrilled to see Branyan on the Jays radar, even if it is a decade later than he expected. At the very least, the guy would have to be impressed that the Jays could still acquire Branyan after his best season in the majors, especially considering that the other object of his affections in those days was the otherworldly talent of Ruben Mateo.

Our thoughts on Branyan
Even if he did manage to put up some numbers last season, Branyan is still an all-or-nothing hack machine, and moreover, one coming off a back injury that contributed to his posting a .688 OPS in the second half of last season.

He can scarcely play a position in the field (he's a -10.0 UZR at third for his career), and his presence would merely add to the log jam of LF/1B/DH types on the roster.

So, no, we're not a fan.

A guide to judging the appropriateness of your response to the Johnny Mac signing

(Editor's Note: This entire post was written and posted before the news that the Jays signed Alex Gonzalez. Maybe it isn't as funny or pertinent anymore. But read along anyhow.)

The vast majority of the responses that we received about the John McDonald signing yesterday were negative, but to varying degrees. (And yes, for some reason, people send their complaints to me, as though I could do something about it.)

But most people still felt somewhat conflicted, because how are you gonna hate on Johnny Mac? The Prime Minister of Defense! Come on!

To help you through this time, we offer a quick breakdown of the various subsets of reactions to the McDonald signing, and judge the appropriateness (is that a word?) of each of them.

The Oblivious "Fuck Yeah!" Happy Subset
Characterized by: A general feeling of elation. These folks are totally stoked that Johnny Mac, the heart and soul of the Blue Jays, is coming back. They may have worn their "McDonald 6" jerseys over their jackets last night. May have had "PMOD 4 EVER" tattooed on their bits yesterday.
Is this reaction appropriate? Not at all. As nice a guy as McDonald is, this is not a great moment in franchise history.
Possible treatments: A quick gander at McDonald's career offensive numbers.

The Ambivalent Subset
Characterized by: A feeling that the signing is a terrible omen, followed by a profound feeling of guilt over their unspoken disdain for such a prince of a guy. May have spent time looking at the Jays 40-man roster, identifying the other "25th men on the roster". Relieved to hear that the Jays are still looking for a starting SS.
Is this reaction appropriate? Absolutely. It's what the sane man is thinking. (Well, it's what we're thinking. If you would characterize us as sane.)
Possible treatments: Watching YouTube videos of Johnny Mac's defensive prowess. Prorating JMac's four homers over a full season.

The WTF?!! Subset
Characterized by: Angry tweeting and angry commenting. Recriminations. May have drawn a link between McDonald's salary and unsigned draft picks. Sent over the edge by the news that the deal was for two years.
Is this reaction appropriate? Probably not. There is some truth to the fact that the signing is not the happiest news ever, and the second year is shocking. But signing a utility guy to a contract worth $1.5 Mill isn't the end of the world.
Possible treatments: Looking at the alternatives. Looking at the salaries of other utility infielders. Deep breathing. Positive visualization.

The Bandwagon Jumper Subset
Characterized by: Threats to stop going to games or watching games on TV. Declarations that this is "the last straw". Threats of cheering for other teams. Threats of canceling Rogers services.
Is this reaction appropriate? Oh, please. Stop. If you don't want to stick with the team through the bad times, then fine. Go cheer for the Tigers. (And what, pray tell) will you do when they trade Miguel Cabrera?
Possible treatments: Checking yourself before you wreck yourself. Sucking it up. Ceasing to be such a whining princess drama queen.