Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Dear Adam Dunn

Hey Adam. How it goin'? We're doing okay ourselves.

We just wanted to touch base with you about all of the monkeyshines that were going on last week, what with the GM of the Blue Jays calling you a slacker and a passionless home run hitting strikeout machine who hates baseball. That's gotta sting a bit, so we don't expect you to necessarily warm up to Canada and Toronto right away. Healing takes time, but let's start the process now.

First off, let us make something clear: we don't share J.P.'s opinion of you. We're Adam Dunn fans. We remember sitting a few feet behind you as you were in the on deck circle back in your Louisville RiverBats days, and we thought to ourselves: That is one big mamma jamma. And then we saw you crush a few balls and we thought that you were exactly the sort of dude that we'd love to see playing for the Blue Jays. We've been biding our time for about seven years, waiting for your Reds contract to expire. And now that it's about to, this whole mess happens. It's really got us worried what you must think of us.

We know that you've probably got, oh, say, 29 other cities where you would rather play than Toronto. And we get that you weren't exactly thrilled to hear what J.P. had to say about you. But let us say that we thought you handled it with aplomb. That "loonies and twonies" line was flat-out comedy gold. That sort of quick wit plays really well in Canada. Canadians would love you.

Sorry...are we coming on to strong? Because we can be intensely laid back, too. Not unlike yourself! You see! Canada is the one country that can truly appreciate you!

(Mind you, it wouldn't hurt if you were to consider changing your name to "Dougie" or "Gordie", because Canadians tend to relate to those guys instinctively. Not that we want to change you. You're perfect just the way you are.)

By the way, can we just mention how much we like to see home runs? We like them A LOT. The ringtone on our cell is of Jerry Howarth saying "There she goes!" Jerry's the radio play-by-play guy. And you know what? He already likes you. Or I know he would if he got to know you.

Sorry, where were we? Oh yeah, home runs. They're awesome. They're like a hit by pitch, stolen base, sac bunt and sac fly, only all wrapped into one without the bother of giving up any outs or getting thrown out. Just BOOM! Runs on the board! And then they play the Quad City DJs' "Ride the Train" at the SkyDome, which makes it all that much better. ("Come on ride the train! And ride it! Toot toot!" Awesome!) So imagine hitting 40 bombs a year (as you have for the past three years...consistent much!?) for the Blue Jays, and how fun that would be for you and for us.

Are we gushing? Sorry. Sometimes, we get all nervous.

Anyways, we just hope that you're able to enjoy your time in Canada, and that maybe you can forgive and forget this whole ugly business.

And seriously: get yourself a handful of loonies and twonies, and go pay for stuff with it. You'll feel like a pirate who has grabbed a handful of doubloons from the booty chest and come ashore! Arrrrrrgh matey!

Oh, and one last thing about J.P.: maybe you'll never see eye to eye with him. Sometimes, we don't get him. He's from Boston, you know. So, he's not really our people.

But maybe you can just introduce yourself to Tony LaCava. He seems like a good bloke.

Looking forward to seeing you...just take it easy on our pitchers this series!

Your Best Canadian Friend Forever,

The Tao

P.S. Did you know that Shania Twain is from Canada? And that she's single? Ponder that for a moment. We're just sayin'...


Navin Vaswani (@eyebleaf) said...


well done, Tao.

Tao of Stieb said...

Adam Dunn is dreamy.

His curly golden locks would look splendid under the lid of a Blue Jays cap.

Drew said...

I enjoy the picture, showing him being jammed and popping up.

I'm onto your crass innuendo Tao...

Anonymous said...

Get this guy into our lineup, if possible. Having him hitting behind Wells would do wonders for our team. Just think about Dunn in our hitter friendly ballpark.

Anonymous said...

Anytime you can use the word monkeyshines in post, it's pure gold.