An open letter to douchebag 500-level drunken brawlers

Dear douchebags,

Fuck off.

No seriously. Fuck right off.

What do you think? That by starting scraps in the stands and on GO Train platforms that you're gonna prove to all of your pathetic friends what a man you are? That you're gonna show the world how no one should fuck with you after a couple of $10 beers? That you're at the game to drink some beer and kick some ass?

You know what you are? You're not a scrappy drinker with heart who's out to show how tough you are. You're not a tough guy.

You are pathetic.

You are the scum of the fucking earth. The lowest of the low.

Why is it that when there's something that is good (like cheap seats to Jays games for those who aren't made of money), idiots like you want to come along and smear yourselves all over it? So now there will be no beer sales for anyone in the 500s during those games, including those that can handle it. Everyone is going to get patted down, and it's going to take forever to get into the building because we're going to get felt up and patted down by security every game.

Do you realize that the rest of the world is laughing at us because you stupid fucking idiots? They're not saying "Hey man, don't mess with Toronto fans! They're tough!" They are saying "Toronto fans can't hold their liquor." They are mocking you.

Are you happy? Are you pleased with yourselves? Do you get a big boner when you watch yourselves on shakey YouTube videos? Do you fancy yourselves as some Tyler Durden type of primal manly man because you let your drunken adrenaline get the best of you? What's wrong with you? What is your fucking purpose?

If you want to get drunk and pick fights, then stay at Hooters and get charged up on chicken wings and pitchers, and then spill out onto John Street and fight amongst yourselves.

Stay away from our team. We'd rather be mocked by other baseball fans for not being able to fill our seats than to be mocked for being a bunch of lightweight hooligans.

(Thanks to the Drunk Jays Fans, Neate's guest Andy Grabia and others for their thoughts.)