Let's Talk About Deck Chairs

So John Farrell thinks the Jays' offense might need a "spark". Well la-di-fucking-duh. Thanks for tuning in, Skip. And don't worry: Once Interleague games are over, you can go right back to worrying about your overstocked bullpen. Maybe even use Mike McCoy as your backup catcher so that you can trim your bench down to a single body to maximize the arms available to you at any given moment.

Sorry...Does it sound like we might have pissed on the wrong side of our Cinnamon Toast Crunch this morning? It certainly feels that way.

Generally, we're the optimist when it comes to the Jays' fortunes, preaching patience and forbearance and the like as the rest of the internet calls for the immediate and swift beheading of anyone who's had a bad week. So we fancy ourselves as the voice of reason (an incredibly immodest stance to take, we realize.) But after the unmitigated shit show of the past few weeks, it's getting harder everyday to watch a team that fields two fourth outfielders as starters everyday, and who supplements that with a second baseman who's forgotten how to hit line drives (and that's how he made it to the big leagues in the first place, for Jimmy's sake!) and a third baseman who hits just slightly better than the pitchers might.

So, yeah. Maybe it's time to reconsider Corey Patterson's spot in the lineup.

(And is it just us, or does Patterson have some sort of charisma and charm that makes managers think of him as a gamer and a guy they have to get in the lineup, in spite of, you know, all the shittiness? "The speedster" gets thrown out six times trying to steal, and yet: "Get him in there! He's a waterbug! A sparkety-fucking-sparky-plug for the offense!")

Hey! Quick flashback, friends: Remember when this team was going to be the Go-Go Jays, running the bases with abandon and keeping pressure on the other pitchers? Well, one key problem with that approach is that you actually have to get on base to make it work. (We'd actually thought last night that a positive in recent weeks was that we hadn't seen the Jays make a lot of needless outs on the basepaths, until it occurred to us that most of the outs are being made at the plate anyways.)

But wait: Wasn't this the best offense in the game just a few short weeks ago? Why yes, it was, fellow traveller. But consider what's happened over that time: Since pounding around Royals pitching for a couple of nights this month, the Jays have posted a .194 team batting average - cut to Jayson Nix asking: "What's wrong with that?" - and a .254 OBP to add to a .326 SLG for a galactically shitteriffic .581 OPS. (Standard arbitrary endpoint caveats apply.)

And over those 13 games, the Jays are averaging 2.4 runs per outing. Also, they are striking out at a higher rate (7.9/game) then they are getting base hits (6.3/game).

We can play along and try to figure out where you slot Aaron Hill to minimize the impact of his popping pretty much everything up to the infield (and for god's sake, don't suggest that he go to the top of the lineup...just stop with all of that tomfoolery), but really, we're getting to a point where we've seen enough of this team to know that outside of Adam Lind and José Bautista, there's not much there.

A spark? That'd be a start.