The weekend has arrived at the Tao of Stieb, and by now, you should all be well aware of what that entails.(What, another shitty post by the weekend contributor? Short answer - yes.)
This week, I'm going to exercise the powers and creative control vested in me by our benevolent benefactor, the Tao, and indulge in a little game of "If". So play along, won't you friends? Cue soothing background music....
If....Roy Halladay is physically able to pull his uniform on for 33 starts, and
If....Jesse Litsch proves that he's more Jim Clancy than Jeff Musselman, and
If....Matt Clement pitches like it's 2002, and
If....the rotation catches some lightning in a bottle (uh...let's make that 2 bolts of lightning) with one (or two) of the young arms in camp, and
If....BJ Ryan goes back to being the pre-Tommy John BJ Ryan, and the rest of the bullpen does everything exactly the same as they did in '08, and
If....Vernon Wells' revolutionary idea of working with a personal trainer pays dividends, and
If....Cito can (finally) unleash the inner masher in Clean Hands Rios, and
If....phenoms Sniderman and Young Adam Lind meet our unreasonably high expectations, and
If....Lyle Overbay's hurting hand finally feels better (and maybe more accurately, if his head is screwed on straight), allowing him to put up the .300 batting average, 20+ HR, and 40+ doubles (b-b-b-boner) he flashed in 2006, and
If....Scott Rolen's (fuck off about the contract, already) re-jigged swing lets him make an effective 145 starts at the hot corner, and
If....the supremely underrated Aaron Hill can just get back to being the non-concussed version of Aaron Hill, and
If....Rod Barajas and Marco Scutaro can.....nah, the Red Sox won with Varitek and Lugo, so we'll give them a pass, and
If....Kevin Millar's 2009 Cowboy Up routine is more John Wayne than Jake Gyllenhaal,
........we just might be onto something this season.
Not coming next week, the flip side of "If".
(If you want that story, feel free to just click on over to any number of other wwwebsites - or stop by your favourite newsstand, throw a dart at the sports section, and read whatever you happen to hit.)
Whoah . . . that's a lot of ifs
ReplyDeleteGO JAYS !!
IF IF IF IF IF IF IF IF IF IF IF IF IF IF IF IF IF IF IF IF IF
ReplyDeletethey gonnna suuuuuuck
If there were 14 ifs, I would have told you to go ahead and fuck off, Ack. But you came in at 13, and so this post scratches me right where I itch.
ReplyDeleteWe're winning the pennant.
Really, I came in at 12, if you back out the non-"if" for Barajas/Scutaro.
ReplyDeleteI mean, what kind of pessimistic asshole would come in at 14 "if"'s, anyway. Jeez.
PENNANT.
I lol'd at your comment EB. lol'd!
ReplyDeleteUnderbay = hernia
ReplyDeleteIf the four or five core hitters and our two young guys actually reach their potential (God forbid surpass it) we will be in pretty good shape.
ReplyDeleteIf McGowan can return and perform well in 2009, if one of the bargain bin pitchers we pick up manages to eat up some innings, if Cecil or Romero manages to take the next step to the big eagues and if Litsch continues to exceed expectation we will be in pretty good shape.
But if the majority of these ifs go our way there is still the most important one: if 2/3rds of the Yankees/Red Sox/Rays manage to win less than 90 games as well as the rest of the wild card chasers in the American league... then playoffs!