Oops.Last December, whilst dumping on the Giants' ridiculous signing of Aaron "Bacon Pants" Rowand, we started talking so brave and so sweet about how we'd eat a pound of raw bacon if Rowand hits 20 homers in any of his five contracted seasons in San Fran.
We just didn't think anyone was really paying attention.
Unfortunately for our heart and arteries, Jon Hale (who apparently reads and retains everything we write) has decided to introduce The Official Tao of Stieb Raw Bacon Tracker to help keep us at our word. Gulp.
It's not that we don't have the courage of our convictions. It's just that we've started to actually visualize the scene: The plate. The pound of salty pork product. The endless chewing. The defibrillator. It's not pretty.
These are gonna be five long years. Frankly, we're rooting for a blown ACL in the first inning of the first game.
Did you say you'd eat it all in one sitting? Spreading it over the offseason should satisfy the boast. Also, get cured bacon so you don't die.
ReplyDeleteIs it going to be Canadian bacon?
ReplyDeleteIf I were you I'd be more concerned about the rawness of it than its heart-damaging qualities.
ReplyDeleteWe only got an f-bomb counter. We don't even have to fucking do anything! Fucking eh!
That's why I recommended cured bacon. Prosciutto and most ham are raw too.
ReplyDeleteI think we know what kind of bacon Tao meant: the kind that should be fried first. He probably eats a pound of prosciutto while watching Sopranos re-runs.
ReplyDeleteGo Rowand Go!
Don't worry. He got that contract based on two seasons playing in Steroids Park #2 in Philly. When puny little Shane Victorino can pop 10 HRs in your ballpark, there's something wrong here. Moving to a spacious ballpark with swirling winds will take the air right out of those numbers.
ReplyDeleteNo, I'm not bitter towards the Phillies. Why do you ask?