His name is Dick. This is his Bag.

We’re back after taking a week off from our traditional recap of the Dick Griffin Mailbag Bonanza, and we realize now just how much we missed it.

In retrospect, we’re kind of upset at ourselves for bailing on the week where Dick tied the steroid problem in baseball to “Moneyball”. (Dick assured us that “Moneyball is dead”, which I guess should settle it for us all.) Neate at OoLF noted that Fire Joe Morgan tore Dick a new one.
(Although all we have yet to read it, because we're just getting a "Error 400 - Bad Request" message whenever we try. Yo Neate! Send us the goods via email, or fax, or carrier pigeon!)

And with that, let’s get going on this week's edition.

Sycophancy Alert Level – Moderate: Only two ass kissers in this week’s Mailbag, although one credits Dick for his “insightful analysis of the Jays' situation and talents”. The other notes: “Love your columns, even if I don't always agree with them.” (To which we’d note that WE LOVE the mailbag, but only BECAUSE we don’t agree with them.)

Did you know that Dick used to work for the Expos? This week’s mailbag features two not-so-subtle reminders of his time with Les Glorieux, including a rather euphemistic description of how he spent his time on the road: "enjoy the nightlife", my arse.

Dick Hates, Hates, Hates, Hates, HATES J.P.: The depth of Dick’s loathing for J.P. is such that we get the sense that he was terrorized by a minor-league infielder from New England as a child. Dick pretty much reduces every single decision made by J.P. to a fundamental flaw in his character. Keeping Gibby? Pride. 2007 failures? Vanity. Five-Year Plans? Extravagence. By the end of the season, we half-expect to see Griff standing on the pitchers mound with Gwyneth Paltrow’s head in a box. (And since we’re on the whole cardinal sins tip: can we suppose that Griffin’s wrathful hate-on might stem from envy?)

Dick makes a good point. The Earth spins off its axis: In answering a dumb question about putting natural grass in the Rogers Centre, Dick notes that the Jays should go to a dirt infield, and not just the cutouts around the bases. Although we’d guess that if not for the Argos, the Jays would have made the change already.

You know you’re a Leafs fan if: If you send an email to a baseball mailbag asking why the Jays don’t trade Josh Towers for draft picks, you may be a Leafs fan.

We're sure there is more to come from the other members of the Dick Fan Club, so there'll be linkage to come.